November
is only few short weeks away, and marks one of those milestones. In just over a
month lies what would have been my 37th wedding anniversary, which
falls on Thanksgiving this year. One of my friends at work is getting married 2
days after my anniversary, on a Saturday, just like the year I got married.
Yeah, it makes me a little uncomfortable, but I am also looking forward to the
wedding because she is such a sweetheart and I really couldn’t be happier for
her. In one way it makes me sad to no longer be celebrating my own wedding, but
in another, it feels like I’m handing over the reins to someone special. This
change, for me, is like letting loose of one of those widow’s milestones that I
no longer wish to hang onto, and giving it to someone who will breathe the life
back into it, and the happiness, and the blessings. It’s no longer my sad
anniversary. It’s her happy one.
I’ve
found that my life changes in recent years have come in two forms. The changes
that have been thrust upon me, and the changes that I want to make in order to
take my life back.
The
first few months of widowhood were cram-packed with those changes that were
thrust upon me. I hated having all of that “reality” dropped in my lap until I
felt like I was being buried alive. I was talking about this with another
friend from work, who it turns out was widowed just 1 year before me. Like her,
I have come to be grateful now for those piles of changes. If it weren’t for
all those changes that needed urgent or immediate attention, I would have
caved-in to my deep desire to just crawl into bed and hide under the covers
until it all went away. They forced me to get up and take care of all those
things that were most definitely NOT going away.
They
closed the door to my life as I once knew it. But they also opened a window of
opportunity (didn’t look like an opportunity at the time), and unceremoniously
shoved through and forced me to make the changes I needed to make my life
better. They also showed me I had the strength and courage to make the changes.
My
discussion with my newly discovered fellow-widow also pointed out something
else to me. Like her, I am at the point where I want to take my life back in
other ways. I hadn’t realized just how much of myself I’d given up to take care
of others: to raise children, to help my son when he had troubles in high
school, to help my daughter when she moved back in with us and went through a
particularly difficult custody battle, then navigating my husband’s illness and
death. I really need to figure out what my dreams are so I can work them back
into my life. And I need to protect my dreams, make sure they stay my dreams.
My
friend told me about her dream to buy a beach house in Galveston. Two family
members, knowing her funds were more limited than theirs, began looking for a
beach house that they would “let” her share whenever she wanted. As good as
their intentions were, it felt like they were hijacking her dream. Through a
set of circumstances beyond their control, they were unable to buy the beach
house. No sooner had their plans fallen through, than the perfect beach house
for her presented itself – at the perfect price – on her wedding anniversary.
Part
of taking my life back has included changing the dynamics of my relationship
with my husband’s family, especially with his mother (a relationship that has
never been good). It means spending far less time with them and no longer
allowing my husband’s mother to control my life and ignore my boundaries. They
don’t like it, but I didn’t expect they would. I have also been finding my own
opinion on things – like politics. There have been times when others d0 not
agree with my opinion, and would probably like to put me back in my place (e.g.
I should agree with them, or remain silent like I used to do). But it feels good to be able to have an
opinion that’s mine, one that’s not dictated to me by others (like the in-laws).
But
I know there will be other changes, as I find new dreams and discover ways to
follow them. These changes – the ones I choose to take my life back – will be
positive. There may be one or two who will disapprove (like my husband’s mother
who disapproves of everything). But those who care about me and have my best
interests at heart, will be glad and will cheer me on because they’ll know that
I’m breathing the life back into my dreams, and the happiness, and the
blessings.
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