Week of August 24, 2014 – Guess What! Another Surprise!

By: Joan Whetzel

When my husband died, I was left with a huge set of issues to deal with:

·                     Changing bills to my name

·                     Setting up online accounts for the bills, in my name

·                     Registering his death with IRS and Social Security.

·                     Canceling his driver’s license and voter’s registration

·                     Contacting his company’s HR department to see about his retirement plan, life insurance, pension plan, and his remaining vacation pay – by the way, that’s 4 different departments.

·                     Pay off the house with some of the life insurance, mainly because the mortgage holders wouldn’t deal with anyone but my husband, even after they knew he was dead.

·                     Getting an Estate Identification Number to deal with some of the checks (escrow from the house payments, vacation pay) that were written to his Estate.

·                     Setting up two bank accounts, one for me and one for the Estate.

There were numerous other things that kept getting thrown at me as well. I thought the list of things I needed to overcome would never end. But, somehow, I managed to get all those things done.

Luckily this year, the list is far smaller and a bit easier to manage – clearing out the vines behind the garage, getting a new water heater, replacing a weed-eater with a 12 month warranty (13 months after I bought it), and one more unexpected surprise.

In Saturday’s mail, my late husband got a Jury Summons. That’s right! He’s gets to appear at the Jury Assembly Room on September 24, 2014 and explain why he can’t serve on a Jury. And, no, death is not listed under the “Exemptions” that’ll get you out of Jury Duty. (Apparently, they didn’t take the cancelation of his driver’s license and voter’s registration as a hint.)  

So, Monday morning, I get to prove to one more government agency that he’s no longer with us. I wonder how many forms and documents and phone calls this one will take to prove that he has a legitimate reason for getting off the jury duty roster.

Week of August 10, 2014 – Review of “Two Old Women”

By Joan Whetzel

I recently re-read “Two Old Women” by Velma Wallis.  This little book (135 pages) tells a great Native American tale, based in Alaska, about a tribe facing hard times with little food and a hard winter fast approaching.  It was not unheard of that past generations would find it necessary to leave older tribe members behind when moving on to a new location in search for food. These chosen few were usually in ill health and considered close to death. This time, however, the two old women in question were not in ill health or close to death and were still contributing members of society – for the most part. Their “crime” was that the complained constantly. So the tribal council agreed that they must be left behind, for the good of the tribe, so that the small amount of available food could be stretched to feed the young and healthy members of the tribe.

Needless to say, this comes as quite a shock to the 2 old women and to the rest of the tribe. The tribe is afraid to speak up on behalf of the old women for fear of being left behind with them. They are also ashamed of not speaking up for them. None of them is completely without compassion, though. The tribe leaves them with a fire (the embers of which can be used to build future fires), their tent, the skins needed to use as a toboggan for transporting their meager supplies to a new campsite, a hatchet, and a bundle of babiche (raw moose hide strips that could be used for anything from rabbit traps to sewing hides together).

The old women first decide that they are not going to sit there and wait for death but try to survive on their own. In the process, they remember many of the survival skills they’d learned in their youth but had forgotten over time as the tribe slowly took over most of their jobs. They not only survive, they thrive beyond their wildest dreams.

A year later the tribe returns to the old campsite to find that the women had moved on. They go in search of the women to find that that as the tribe has continued to weaken from the lack of food and threadbare clothing, the old women have become stronger and had put away a large supply of food and clothing made of furs and animal skins. The tribe and the old women must work out a plan to reconcile their differences and work together again.

I loved this story the first time I read it. I love it even more now. It’s a reminder that when things get really tough that we all have choices.  We can pick up some new skills and resurrect some old skills, whatever it takes, as long as we keep on trying.

Week of August 3, 2014 – Doing Normal

By Joan Whetzel

My brother and I met for lunch the other day. We had an interesting conversation. He asked me if I had had trouble with the “anniversaries” since my husband’s death. He wanted to know how I had handled them.

When he first died, I had a lot of trouble sleeping because I was worried about everything and overwhelmed by all the things I had to take care of. Since I couldn’t sleep, I would get up and clean house, box up stuff I was giving away, collect items to be sold in garage sales… anything use the nervous energy and keep the demons at bay. It’s amazing how the mundane things in life – the “doing normal” seemed to help me deal with the hard times I was going through. 

So when my brother asked me about the anniversaries, I told him that I had indeed had difficulties, especially with the last 2 weeks of May – the time when my husband had his stroke, spent time in the ICU before dying in the hospice care, and the funeral. During the last 2 weeks of May this year, I found I didn’t want to get out of bed. I just wanted to stay there and pull the covers over my head. When he asked how I dealt with it, my answer again was that I needed to “do normal.” I needed the paycheck, so I got up and went to work.

He responded by telling how a friend of his related how immediately after Christ died, the apostles went back to fishing. Yes, they were devastated by their loss, and like me, they probably didn’t want to get out of bed, but they got up anyway and did something normal because it helped them deal with the loss in a constructive way.  

During the hard times, “doing normal” provides some sense of control.in the midst of the emotional turmoil. It becomes an anchor that ground us in real life so that the emotions don’t take over. It also becomes a place of strength (the strength to keep doing the things that need doing, even if they’re only small things) and a place of safety (we have a safe and normal place from which to move out into the world). “Doing normal” provides a way to keep on living, to keep on getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other.